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Sunday, April 17th, 2005
11:07 pm
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Saturday, March 19th, 2005
2:45 am - The Cloud
I do my best to look for silver linings. There actually is one to the... incident? revelation? rift? crisis? (don't bother asking what happened) that was our Thursday afternoon: it made him realize that for the sake of his health, he needs another break in his work, and happily it coincides with my week (maybe two, we'll see) break from filming. We might go to the Bahamas, we might just stay home and relax. Our Saturday night will be dressing tight&nasty for each other for some dirty dancing at a punk club.

We realized tonight how long it had been since we'd seen each other's eyes dance and glow and sparkle, how long it had been since we'd really stopped to just look into each other's eyes, how long since we'd seen the glorious bright moon of our first meeting in each other's faces. I brought him roses, which I hadn't done in far too long. I adore the way he lovingly arranges them in a vase, seeming so touched that I brought them to him. How long have we been together now? Five months? Getting close to six? Something in that neighborhood, in the realm of other people starting to realize as much as we did after five days that we're damn serious about each other and that we belong together.

current mood: woggish, obviously

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Friday, March 4th, 2005
5:03 am - Cognitive Dissonance
I'm still not used to seeing anyone but John as Hedwig. Photos of Michael Cerveris aren't as jarring as others for some reason, maybe because he's generally considered to be the second best to play the role, but nevertheless, I'm not used to anyone but John.

Given that, imagine the way my brain stalled out for a moment when I saw John's Welcome Wagon post and the first comment to it, which included an icon of someone else as Hedwig. No offense meant to the actor in question, of course, but it was strange. Curiosity got the better of me, as it so often does (one of the things about me that John is most patient with, thank you, darling), and I had to look to see who this person was. Turns out, this kid is now on American Idol. What?? He was also in Rent, which is slightly amusing to me, knowing how John feels about that show. I just hope that my curiosity doesn't go so far as to force me to tune in to American Idol sometime, since I've been very happy with successfully avoiding it since its incarnation. Pop music and reality tv just aren't my things.

I need to go listen to something that will purge my brain.

current mood: still clearing my head

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Saturday, February 19th, 2005
1:49 am - Winter in New York isn't always a pretty thing
Betcha all thought I got lost in the Bahamas or something, huh? Just buried in New York, work, stress, parents, weather, more work, QE work, writing work, trying to maintain a happy healthy relationship and friendships... How do people who have children do it?! Now it's the time to concentrate more on those relationships. Thanks, you guys who have put up with my churlishness and growling and not saying much these past weeks. John, my darling, you truly are an angel. T, K, J and C... well, you guys are stuck with me anyway but thanks for not being too bitchy about it.

This weekend I'm just going to relax. Not going to think about work of any sort, nor parents, nor obligations. Just cuddle up with John and feed each other...

current mood: better

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Friday, December 17th, 2004
12:32 am - Because some of my friends might be prone to seizures
The second coolest thing I saw today:


No, neither of us took this photo; they are too fast for our digital cameras. But we did see several of these Flying Fish (family Exocoetidae) and were able to follow them with binoculars.

The coolest thing I saw today was John in a sarong. I bought a few of them today, partly because I thought they might be comfortable to wear and partly because I just loved the tropical prints. John wore his this evening when we spent some time with Sid, who is here for a few days. If I had known that John would look that magnificent in one, I would have bought some the hour we got here. When he stepped out onto the balcony in the wind... oh yeah.

I can't believe I haven't ever made John cookies yet. I'm going to as soon as I get my hands on an oven.

current mood: rejuvenated

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Tuesday, December 14th, 2004
4:05 pm - Nighthawks of the Bahamas
We escaped the chill of New York City in hopes of finding him some sun and warmth before he literally collapsed from overwork and rhinovirii. Unfortunately, his cold seems to have come with us, and we are now stuck on this Caribbean island, one of 700 that comprise The Bahamas, with nothing to do but lie around on the beach night and day, eat incredibly wonderful dishes of fresh fruit and fish and things that I'm not even sure of the identity of, drink wine and rum straight from the bottle, watch gaudily colored birds and tan young men, occasionally swim and play with dolphins. Because of John's health (a life-long concern), we can't risk flying back home just now; both airplanes and New York are hot beds for all kinds of nasty things just waiting to grab him. Just not worth it. Instead, he must rest here and I must care for him, cook him sumptuous meals to encourage his appetite, bathe him so that he doesn't get fevered, keep him warm so that he doesn't catch a chill.

Last night on the beach we heard the calls of the Antillean Nighthawk (Chordeiles gundlachii), but they weren't the sweetest cries I heard in the soft starlight. Ears haven't lived until they've heard the Broadway-trained, punk-seasoned rapture of your Other Half ringing in them. Mine hadn't, at least. The life they've lived these past few months with him have been worth the nearly forty years of waiting. Now we're on the back forty, together. He makes me feel strong and powerful enough that I just might be able to wangle a third forty for both of us.

current mood: stand and feel it all the day

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Friday, December 10th, 2004
9:09 pm - Gone South
Nassau. Bahamas. 82 degree air, 78 degree water, 36 degree daquiris, and my 99 degree lover. Yeah, he's a little on the hot side.

Welcome to the Caribbean. Love.

current mood: wonderfully warm

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Sunday, December 5th, 2004
11:51 am - My friends are so damn hot
Pick someone on my friends list that you want to know something about, might want to get to know, or are just curious about. Then I will tell you what I know of them. You can't pick me. You can't pick yourself. You can't pick someone we are mutual friends with.

current mood: awake

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Thursday, December 2nd, 2004
6:03 pm - Blame Stephen
it's all about John, anywayCollapse )

current mood: silly

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Wednesday, December 1st, 2004
11:48 am - Journaler's Block
I'm a professional writer. I don't get writer's block. I've been a columnist often enough in my life that I can't get it if I want to eat that month. Well, okay, it's me. If I want to eat something not based on rice, beans, or potatoes.

But I have journaler's block. On Monday I brought John lunch at work and met his new assistant. In giving some words of sage (!) advice to said young man, I realized as soon as they were out of my mouth that I don't take my own sage advice on that particular matter very well. I still haven't been able to write about it. I still haven't been able to write about my parents. Yes, they are related, these two things I haven't written about. Oh my yes.

Last night John said to me, "We wasted too many years trying to please the wrong people."

That's it in a nutshell. Thanks for the springboard, love, I hope to be able to use it soon.

current mood: about 19 years old

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Saturday, November 27th, 2004
9:03 am - We survived the parents
John's parents left yesterday. Mine left just a few minutes ago. There was no bloodshed. In some ways it was worse than we thought; in other ways it was better. Don't get me wrong, we both love our parents... but visiting with them is stressful. I hope it was enough that I won't have to see my parents again till Passover.

Now I'm going to fall back into bed. Neither of us is leaving the apartment for the rest of the weekend.

current mood: tired

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Wednesday, November 24th, 2004
2:49 am - The truth comes out
Yes, I am the fabled Straight One of the Fab Five.

After all, in 2001 I co-authored a book for men about sex. Heterosexual sex. A book full of all those words that if I write them here, Kyan, and probably half of the rest of the men reading this, will run away screaming. Yes, I, in truth, know everything about... those things. I wrote a book about them, so I must know.

The truth about me was uncovered tonight by John while we were in bed. He realized that his amorous actions were so repulsing me that I was trying to push him away with my six inch pole. When he kisses me, I moan with lust disgust. When his hands touch my skin, I squirm with love loathing. Oh, the things I endure to keep my career safe! I'm just grateful that he's willing to stay with me so that I can continue my charade, even though I really wanted Hedwig, not him.

current mood: not very angry

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Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004
3:52 pm - On my way home!!
I have never been so happy to be leaving a place I loved being in. London was fabulous, as always, but I'm so happy to be on my way home to John. His parents got into town yesterday and his mum is driving him insane. My parents will arrive tomorrow afternoon.

Yesterday I was talking with Carson about being nervous about meeting John's folks. Carson's advice was "Be funny! Be coy! Pretend you're me for a day!" I told him if I did that, John would dump me. "Very quickly," John added when I told him about the conversation. Now that I think about it, Carson, there's not much that's coy about you. Please.

Contrary to popular opinion, I'm not pregnant. It's not the reason that John and I moved in together so fast, Carson, and whoever else might have been wondering that. Sorry to disappoint you all. Hell, I'm sorry to disappoint my parents! John's baby would have the most adorable smile in the world...

So. His parents. My parents. A hotel suite with a kitchen that his mum doesn't deem as "a real kitchen." His parents drive him insane. Mine make me moody and feel about twelve years old. John and I are really wondering what the fuck we were thinking when he came up with the brilliant idea to have them over for Thanksgiving and I agreed enthusiastically and called his idea "perfect." Maybe this will get us out of Christmas and Chanukah if it goes well. My parents are going to want to see our apartment, too. That's just how they are. I'm starting to feel less nervous about meeting his parents and getting into the usual dreading of seeing mine. I love them, and they are really fantastic people, but... Again, suck it up, Theodore. Most people have some kind of issues with their parents. It's been easier since I moved out of Chicago, and it's far, far easier with John to support me.

No work for me for the next few weeks. Kyan will be off on book tour, preening his way through spotlights. Have fun with the book groupies, dude! Oh, wait, no, Carson, I really didn't say that! I'm looking forward to relaxing at home, having a hot supper ready and waiting for John every evening, maybe doing some extra writing during the day. I'll have to resist the urge to alphabetize the spices; I promised him I wouldn't mess with the kitchen like that.

The Queer Eye Thanksgiving Special airs tonight. It's the last new episode for at least a few weeks.

current mood: bouncy

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Monday, November 15th, 2004
4:36 am - Another day, another hemisphere: East
This is almost like when I was a freshman in college and missed the first day of the Spring term, just completely spaced what day it was, because I had a new boyfriend and was so wrapped up in him.

Last night, that is, Saturday night, I was happily snuggled in John's arms, just drifting off to sleep, when my cell rang with the tone that meant it was one of the four guys. I looked and the screen and I know I was pretty damn growly when I answered it with something like, "Dammit, Douglas, this better be fucking good!"

Oops. I had totally forgotten that the filming of our episodes in London was set to start today. Kyan was calling wondering how close I was going to cut my arrival. Well, um, yeah, pretty close. John got some coffee and food into me, helped me pack, and lent me some of his clothes so that I wouldn't miss him quite so much. Today I wore in to work one of his flannel shirts over his tshirt that says Gertrude Stein School for Bad Girls. The tshirt he wore on our first date.

It's 9:36am here in London and I miss him like crazy. We've been apart just about 24 hours now, the longest we've been apart since we met. It's only for 9 or 10 days, I know, so suck it up and be a man, Theodore.

Is it too soon to call him again?

current mood: missing him

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Sunday, November 14th, 2004
12:35 am - Back to the Northern Hemisphere
John and I are back home after our truly glorious vacation in Peru and the Galapagos Islands.

I'm pooped.

My parents and his will be here in 10 days, oops, 9 now, for Thanksgiving. Oh shit, we have so much to do! One of the main things to do is be nervous. Not that he has anything to be nervous about. He's wonderful and my folks will love him. He says his folks will love me, but let's face it, he's biased. I've never been so nervous about meeting a lover's parents before, but I've never been in a relationship before, either. These folks are basically going to be my in-laws for the rest of my life. I want them to like me, I want them think that I'm good enough for their son, that I'm worthy of him and will take care of him and make him happy.

Oh God, I'm rambling. I need John to make me some tea with some of his secret ingredients, then carry me off to bed.

current mood: worried

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Thursday, October 21st, 2004
5:33 am - I'll get you, my pretty!
There I was, being kind to my man and resisting the very strong temptation to burst out singing Rodgers & Hammerstein, a temptation provoked by something he said, no less. I told him I was resisting and he responded, "Oh, you do love me!"

Then he started singing them.

Not fair.

I will get back at him with songs that are far, far worse than our beloved Richard & Oscar. But he won't know what or when or where.

current mood: predatory

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Tuesday, October 19th, 2004
3:58 am - Going South
Imagine the brain, that shiny mound of being, that mouse-grey parliament of cells, that dream factory, that petit tyrant inside a ball of bone, that huddle of neutrons calling all the plays, that little everywhere, that fickle pleasuredome, that wrinkled wardrobe of selves stuffed into the skull like too many clothes into a gym bag.

-- first line, An Alchemy of Mind : The Marvel and Mystery of the Brain by Diane Ackerman

If you're like me, that first sentence makes you want to do a swan dive in for more, settle into sofa or hammock or tree, curl up next to lover or pet with a cup of tea or plate of bonbons, and sail away till far past your bedtime. Like most of Ackerman, it's to be read slowly, or else to be read twice or more in rapid succession. She writes in a way most of us never even consider aspiring to in our wildest, most lofty dreams. It's not hard cognitive science or philosophy of mind, but neither is it gruel. Rather, it's a marvelously smooth, rich, complex torte that is as incredible in memory as it is during the time you take it in.

This is what I've been reading when I haven't been reading and researching about Peru and the Galapagos Islands. On Friday morning, John and I are leaving for two weeks in the Southern Hemisphere. First Peru, mainly to go Machu Picchu, the ancient Inca ruins and pyramids. The subject came up in conversation the night we met and seemed to spring up again from time to time, and it's a place that neither he, who has lived and traveled all over the world, nor I, have ever been.

The Galapagos is where Charles Darwin saw many of the things that later spurred his ideas about natural selection, and it's somewhere the geek in me has always dreamt of visiting. Galapagos tortoises can live a few hundred years; a contemporary visitor might encounter one of the very same individuals that Darwin did. The Islands are off the coast of western South America, and John is kind enough to indulge my geeky dreams since we'll be in the neighborhood.

Did I mention that my dreams of traveling to the Galapagos always included my life partner, my soulmate? They did. Now they will come true with him.

current mood: excited

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Monday, October 11th, 2004
8:08 am - Domestic Maneuvers in the Light
This weekend a fascinating young lady, Miss Lucia Ribisi, moved into my apartment. I should say my old apartment, as it's theirs now, Lucia's and her father's. I moved most of the rest of my stuff into what was John's apartment but is now our apartment. I left most of my kitchen accoutrements and other housewares for them, and, at Gio's request, many of my books. I saw the way he looked upon them with lust in his heart. Try Diane Ackerman, Gio. Both you and Lucia will love her lyrical writing, not so easy to find in nonfiction these days, especially, I think, The Moon by Whale Light. I'll come back for them eventually, so don't get too attached. I do understand, however, that books are part of what make an apartment a home. I also left some music and movies that John already had copies of.

For those whose wonder: yes, I'm wearing a CBGB apron in this icon. CBGB (which stands for Country, Blue Grass, and Blues) is a club on Bowery in Manhattan that showcased punk and new wave bands like The Ramones, Blondie, Elvis Costello, and the Talking Heads. It opened in 1973 and is considered by many to be the birthplace of American punk. The fact that this is one of my favorite aprons is just another sign that John and I were meant to be together. I'll gladly take it as such, anyway.

I've been officially inducted into Must Be Pop. Not quite as exciting as winning an Emmy or finding my true love, but fun nonetheless.

current mood: silly

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Thursday, October 7th, 2004
2:08 pm - WedRock
I've been trying to write about Tuesday night but my head is filled with only one thought, one image, one feeling: John.

It was a week ago tonight that we met. I haven't been to my old apartment for several days, but I'm going to stop by there this afternoon. I need to visit the flower vendor near there and I'm also feeling an urge for my 70s and 80s music, music of my high school and college years, thanks in part to Tuesday night and Trent's reminder of Foreigner and Kyan's of Journey. John, I promise to only listen to Duran Duran when you aren't home so that your ears don't bleed. I trust that Black Flag and The Stranglers and Dead Kennedys are acceptable.

Tuesday night really was all about John. He was the primary organizer of the event as well as being one of the performers. I was giddy sharing the evening with him and being publically his, meeting his cohorts, and watching him perform live for my first time. I'll spare you all the fanboying for now. If you've seen or heard him perform in any capcity, you know. If you haven't yet, buy (or rent, watch, and then you'll want to buy, as I did when it first came out) Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Be sure to get it on DVD, you'll want to watch the documentary about the production. /pimpage of my lover, thanks for listening.

I did manage to tear my total attention from him for a few isolated moments to meet my Chicago homeboy Jon and his man Michael, another who was involved in Hedwig. Small world, isn't it? Kyan was there with Trent, and Stephen and Gio. Kyan, thanks for not yelling about my hair too much. Gio, nice ink. Your sneer needs more work, though.

Two leaps per chasm is fatal.
Good thing John and I only took one.

current mood: retro

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Tuesday, October 5th, 2004
5:08 am - Two New York Fags Chatting About Life
Eat Ted Allen: Kyan... um... would you be sure to bring some of your heaviest heavy duty concealer to work tomorrow please?

kyan be stylin: Um, sure, but what do you need it for?

Eat Ted Allen: I, um... yeah, I got this really big red bug bite on my neck. I'm, um, not sure how it got there, but... my shirt won't quite cover it up.

kyan be stylin: "Bug bite"? Oh, Teddy, don't lie to me. You have a hickey. How cute.

Eat Ted Allen: nooo! I mean, No, Kyan, I do not have a hickey. *huffs*

kyan be stylin: Yes, yes you do! Awwwwww! Can I take a picture of it tomorrow? Please? So I can hang it up on my refrigerator? I'll label it: Ted's First Hickey In A Long Time.

. . . .

Eat Ted Allen: I've already been promised that I'll be getting lucky in some dark corner of the club. You guys will have to start calling me The Sexy One.

kyan be stylin: No. I am the Sexy One. No one takes that title.
Eat Ted Allen: You are The Hot One. Not Sexy. I'm sexy now.
kyan be stylin: Which also makes me The Sexy One. NO!
Eat Ted Allen: Hot and Sexy are two different things. You can't have both.
kyan be stylin: I get to be sexy, dammit. You're the...Old One.
Eat Ted Allen: *laughs out loud* fuck you, Douglas, you cradle snatcher!
kyan be stylin: *gasps* I am not a cradle snatcher!
Eat Ted Allen: How old is he? 19?
kyan be stylin: 25!

Eat Ted Allen: oooh! the big 2-5! gets a break on his auto insurance now! What's that, 9 years younger than you?

kyan be stylin: Yeah, and? So? Jealous because I can still get the youngins? No, I have no clue how old John is, but I'm guessing much younger than you.

Eat Ted Allen: well, see, I can get the young'uns too! He really doesn't look any older than 30 or so, does he? *grins*

kyan be stylin: I looked up his age. He's OLDER THAN YOU. You lying geezer.

Eat Ted Allen: *laughs wildly* isn't it a fucking hoot! I didn't know! I thought he was 35, tops, and that only because I knew some of his career history. The little fuck let me go on moaning about turning 40 soon and how he'd understand in several years.

kyan be stylin: *laughs* That's so evil of him. Dude, I think I like him, just from hearing that. I'd totally do the same thing. I fully expect to look like I'm still 34 when I'm his age.

. . . . .

Eat Ted Allen: *sobs* I love him, Kyan, and I'm going to let him put gel in my hair!

. . . . .

You're welcome, Stephen

current mood: silly

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